I still can't fully describe all the details of my first encounter with our daughter, Mackenzie. It was especially touching for Arnold and me because we were first greeted by God himself as he led us to her. I've met God a few times in my life but never had it been so real and full of raw emotions.
Mackenzie was only 23 weeks and 3 days and still in my womb when we came to the sad realization that we would not be able to meet her in this world, but only in the heavenly world. We were still coping with the heart wrenching news that due to my cervix opening up prematurely that it was only a matter of time before my membranes would rupture, forcing her to come out early. A lady from the chaplain visited us late afternoon during our stay at the hospital. She was an older lady who was unassuming in appearance. She sat down by my hospital bed and her first words immediately comforted us. She told us we didn't have to intellectualize what was happening to our daughter (unlike one of the obstetricians who kept referring to Mackenzie as a fetus). She then proceeded to ask us if we'd like to meet Mackenzie in person. Without hesitating, I quickly nodded my head.
She asked us to close our eyes and for myself to notice the tension between my body and the hospital bed - I had been laying tilted backwards for a few days- and to visualize myself getting up and walking towards a white room. As I approached the room I was overwhelmed by an awe inspiring presence. It was God himself. He didn't say a word but simply extended his hand to me. He had an extremely calm and pleasant countenance on face. Holding his hand, He walked me to the room and opened the door.
This room though barren, was nothing like a sterile hospital room, but was warm, inviting and filled with light coming through a window. The corner of the room shined particularly bright that I could just barely make out the image of a little child. My heart raced as I began to recognize this little girl. It was Mackenzie.. She wasn't a 23 week old 'fetus', but appeared to be 4 or 5 years of age. She had a full set of thick black hair with bangs across her tiny face. I immediately ran over to hug her and she started giggling without a worry in the world. As I hugged her, I kept apologizing for not being able to protect her as her mother and watch her grow up. I wept and continued to embrace her. All the while she kept assuring me that everything was ok because she was already with God. Amidst my pain and sorrow, I didn't realize that Mackenzie was already with God and under His protection, not mine. She felt so incredibly real to me that my heart aches every time I think back to our embrace. After Mackenzie comforted me, I found a little bit of peace in by broken heart. God then held out his hand as a signal that it was time say good bye.
I opened my eyes to see that I was not the only one weeping for our daughter. Arnold had tears streaming down his face. He had never experienced God in such an intimate way. Arnold told me he had also been dealing with a lot of shame and guilt to Mackenzie since he had secretly been hoping that she would pass peacefully in my womb. That way we would avoid being put in the horrific situation of simply waiting for her to naturally come out (which doctors predicted a week max). At such a young age, the baby isn't considered viable and doctors would try to make her comfortable upon birth, meaning they would wrap a warm blanket around her, until she passed away on her own.
As a parent I'm not sure if there's a more trying and difficult position to be in. I kept feeling Mackenzie kick and exert as much energy as her brother once did in my womb during my stay at the hospital. There was no way that I was going to give up on her. I met with several doctors during my stay and they were all surprised I was still laying in the hospital bed several days later. My daughter didn't give up with a fight.
Mackenzie Chong arrived in this world on 10/13/12 and passed away shortly after birth.
I miss my sweet baby girl so much it hurts. In my heart of hearts, I believe I will meet her when my time on earth passes.
Through this I met with several nurses and a few doctors who prayed for us and told us that Mackenzie was already safe with God. We received overwhelming support from friends and church members. I was hoping for a miracle that she would some how stay put for several more weeks, but eventually my prayers to God were for peace in my heart.
It's only been a few weeks since she passed and I still dread going to sleep and getting out of bed. I am holding my son just a little bit closer now and really trying focus on all the good in my life.
Until I see Mackenzie again, I want strive to become the best version of myself. I feel like I owe that much to her to try to come out of this a better person than before.
