The day I met my daughter...

I still can't fully describe all the details of my first encounter with our daughter, Mackenzie.  It was especially touching for Arnold and me because we were first greeted by God himself as he led us to her.  I've met God a few times in my life but never had it been so real and full of raw emotions.  

Mackenzie was only 23 weeks and 3 days and still in my womb when we came to the sad realization that we would not be able to meet her in this world, but only in the heavenly world.  We were still coping with the heart wrenching news that due to my cervix opening up prematurely that it was only a matter of time before my membranes would rupture, forcing her to come out early.  A lady from the chaplain visited us late afternoon during our stay at the hospital.  She was an older lady who was unassuming in appearance.  She sat down by my hospital bed and her first words immediately comforted us.  She told us we didn't have to intellectualize what was happening to our daughter (unlike one of the obstetricians who kept referring to Mackenzie as a fetus).  She then proceeded to ask us if we'd like to meet Mackenzie in person.  Without hesitating, I quickly nodded my head. 

She asked us to close our eyes and for myself to notice the tension between my body and the hospital bed - I had been laying tilted backwards for a few days- and to visualize myself getting up and walking towards a white room.  As I approached the room I was overwhelmed by an awe inspiring presence.  It was God himself.  He didn't say a word but simply extended his hand to me.  He had an extremely calm and pleasant countenance on face.  Holding his hand, He walked me to the room and opened the door.

This room though barren, was nothing like a sterile hospital room, but was warm, inviting and filled with light coming through a window.  The corner of the room shined particularly bright that I could just barely make out the image of a little child. My heart raced as I began to recognize this little girl. It was Mackenzie.. She wasn't a 23 week old 'fetus', but appeared to be 4 or 5 years of age.  She had a full set of thick black hair with bangs across her tiny face.  I immediately ran over to hug her and she started giggling without a worry in the world.  As I hugged her, I kept apologizing for not being able to protect her as her mother and watch her grow up. I wept and continued to embrace her.  All the while she kept assuring me that everything was ok because she was already with God.  Amidst my pain and sorrow, I didn't realize that Mackenzie was already with God and under His protection, not mine.  She felt so incredibly real to me that my heart aches every time I think back to our embrace. After Mackenzie comforted me, I found a little bit of peace in by broken heart.  God then held out his hand as a signal that it was time say good bye.

I opened my eyes to see that I was not the only one weeping for our daughter. Arnold had tears streaming down his face. He had never experienced God in such an intimate way.  Arnold told me he had also been  dealing with a lot of shame and guilt to Mackenzie since he had secretly been hoping that she would pass peacefully in my womb. That way we would avoid being put in the horrific situation of simply waiting for her to naturally come out (which doctors predicted a week max). At such a young age, the baby isn't considered viable and doctors would try to make her comfortable upon birth, meaning they would wrap a warm blanket around her, until she passed away on her own.

As a parent I'm not sure if there's a   more trying and difficult position to be in. I kept feeling Mackenzie kick and exert as much energy as her brother once did in my womb during my stay at the hospital.  There was no way that I was going to give up on her.  I met with several doctors during my stay and they were all surprised I was still laying in the hospital bed several days later.  My daughter didn't give up with a fight.

 

Mackenzie Chong arrived in this world on 10/13/12 and passed away shortly after birth.  

I miss my sweet baby girl so much it hurts. In my heart of hearts, I believe I will meet her when my time on earth passes. 

Through this I met with several nurses and a few doctors who prayed for us and told us that Mackenzie was already safe with God. We received overwhelming support from friends and church members. I was hoping for a miracle that she would some how stay put for several more weeks, but eventually my prayers to God were for peace in my heart.  

It's only been a few weeks since she passed and I still dread going to sleep and getting out of bed.  I am holding my son just a little bit closer now and really trying focus on all the good in my life.  

Until I see Mackenzie again, I want strive to become the best version of myself.  I feel like I owe that much to her to try to come out of this a better person than before. 

Happy Birthday to my little Prince!

My little baby is already turning 1 yrs old.  I can hardly believe it! He's brought so much joy and laughter into my life..as well as many sleepless nights.  2012 has been a crazy year so far but throughout the tough times, every time this little guy stares at me with such trust in his eyes, I realize the biggest duty in my life is to love him unconditionally and be a good mother to him.

We celebrated his 1 yr in Toronto with the in-laws.  I was pleasantly surprised to walk into my in-law's home with the whole banquet table already set up for the party.  My inlaws and sister in law prepared the Korean rice cakes, fruits and even the dohljabi and invited 50+ people.   I was so touched because I've secretly been feeling guilty that I didn't have the energy or time to plan a decent dohl party for my first son.

Dr. Chong in da house~~

I'm currently at a crossroads where I need to decide if I want to keep working or not. Child care in the city is no joke and hiring a nanny full time wouldn't be financially worthwhile for me to keep working and not get to spend quality time with Zach.. dilemma dilemma............I've been praying about it and I think God wants me to quit.... :)  We shall see.. Hopefully by the time my next post come around, I'll be a stay at home mama!

Twas a Happy Mother's Day!

It was my 1st Mother's day and I definitely felt the love. It's safe to say that the past 5 months have been one of the toughest times in my adult life.  Arnold's been working Mon-Sat until 11pm-12 am so Sunday is our only family day out of the week.  I've been burnt out at work as well as at home taking care of big Z, so I've been catching myself wondering..Really, what is the meaning of it all??  hah, dramatic I know.

I've been giving my best effort to treasure every minute I have with Zach rather than waiting for the day to pass until his nap/bed time.  It has been rewarding watching Zach develop, explore his surroundings, and refer to me as, 'Umma--Umma--umma'.  He insists on mumbling it in sets of three's.  Him and I have become best buds over the months and my shopping buddy.  I've taken him to Jeremy's and Bloomies on a regular basis now so he's all too familiar with the dressing room drill when I try on clothes.  I make funny faces at him through the mirror so he thinks we're playing a little game. hey..whatever works! Below are a few treasures I found over the weekend.   I've been going a size up from my pre-pregnancy weight. I simply cannot lose the last 6 pounds no matter how much I speed walk through the city! Any mama's out there have pointers for me??

L' Agence Safari Dress + Belt

Milly Sheer Blouse (enjoying a 3 lb Tomahawk steak..and I wonder why the 6 lbs stay put)

Vena Cava - Amasazi Dress

@ the Park w/ my main squeeze

Lately..

I've still been going full steam ahead at work but a few days ago during my day trip to LA I was able to have lunch my sister and niece and relax a bit.  My niece got her first hair cut and to me she looks and feels like Beezus (from Ramona & Beezus~) This girls such a character and I don't get to see her nearly as much as I'd like.  I'm soo looking forward to next week. My parents, sister and niece will be visiting me while my hubs will be on a business trip for a week. 

Zach in his Sunday Best over the weekend

Feeling the Love..

I took a day off of work this past Monday on my b-day...not to celebrate but to move into a new apartment. I can now wholeheartedly say that I hate.. actually despise..moving.  Our landlord was the toughest judge ever during our final walk through and dinged us for every little nick and scratch he could find.  Arnold and I spent 3 late nights painting the apartment.. and it was pretty much all for nothing since our landlord ended up hiring a professional painter and taking it all out of our security deposit of course. Lovely..

Note to self: Going forward, if we ever feel like saving money by taking it upon ourselves to do the handiwork...don't do it.

To top it all off our movers were 3 hours late which threw us off schedule and we had to scramble to make our dinner reservations.  It would be our first date night in over 4 months without Zachary.  I had been wanting to check out Quince's tasting menu for a while now and boy did it not disappoint.  The dinner was supposed to be 3 hours long but towards the end of it, we were exhausted beyond words and asked them to bring out the last 3 dishes simultaneously.. (way to keep it classy, right?)

When we got home from dinner, there was a package on our front door from Tory Burch.  At that moment, my fatigue completely vanished as I tore open the box.  My friend from Tory B. gotten me some B-day goodies to add to my collection!

Tory Burch - Indio Scarf & Eddie Grey Flats in soft leather (not pictured)

So, Arnold's been working late everyday except Sunday's for the past few months and I'm not gona lie..it's been pretty hard taking care of Zach on my own.  (Bath time, feed time, play time, nap time.. Wow, Stay at home mom's have it tough..and all you single mom's out there, hats off to you).  He's been feeling a bit guilty about not spending anytime with the family and let me splurge on these David Yurman hoops.  I wanted something for everyday wear yet still something I can wear out at night. I'm liking how I get a perfect combo of both silver and gold. Thank you hubby and to all my friends for giving me so much LOVE!

 

David Yurman - Crossover Hoop Earrings

My collections complete~~

I just got back from a lovely week in LA.  Although Zach and I didn't get to see much of Arnold we had a blast with my folks, sister, and friends.

My sister took me shopping for my b-day and I decided to complete my charm necklace collection from Helen Ficalora.  I already had one w/ both Arnold and my initials (A and T) ... though I kinda wished I could switch my 'A' with a 'Z' due to the steep price tag on the charms...oops did I just say that out loud?   I ended up getting the 'Z' in rose gold so that it would stand out a bit from the other two.

I was also able to sneak in some shopping during my lunch breaks @ work and picked up this demin chambray shirt @ Madewell.  I've tried on a few chambray shirts in the past but they all made me feel boxier than I wanted. This one is different. It's called the Perfect Chambray Ex-Boyfriend shirt and yano what..it is pretty perfect.

Early B-day gift : Helen Ficalora Z charm in pink gold

Out on the town w/o the kiddos. I've been wearing this Zara blouse pretty religiously since I got it!

I've been diggin' a lot of Zara and Madewell pieces lately.  Ever since Zach came along, I started to gravitate towards more affordable-hassle free tops.  Maybe it's due to the fact that he'd projectile spit all over me that shirts made of 100% silk no longer appeal to me as much as the Zara blouse above does (100% polyester baby!)

Bloomies Friends and Family official starts tomorrow so I'll be perusing the store this week.  Happy Shopping!

TGIF.. Boom, badoom, boom bass !!

Wow... this has been one of the longest work weeks ever.  I've been with MTV for almost five years now and I thought I had everything down to a T.  Boy, was I wrong~  Since I came back from my maternity leave I had to relearn several aspects of my job and had to hustle to meet every deadline.  Sleeping in 3-4 hour segments every night didn't help my focus either.  I struggled throughout the last few weeks and put in a few late nights at home after putting Zach to sleep but somehow got through it.

It's finally Friday and I feel all right.  Feeling kinda proud of myself, I decided to get a manicure during my lunch break.  (My first mani in well over a year I might add!)  It's been raining non stop everyday for the past 5 days and will continue to do so throughout the weekend so I decided to go with a punch of color as a pick me up:

Behold: OPI's Pink Friday from the Nicki Minaj Collection

Oh, and here's little Zachy on our way to the nanny's in the pouring rain:

I am counting down the days until next week.  I'll be in LA for a week on business and will be celebrating my b-day early with friends and family.  I'm so lookin' forward to my mama's home cooked meals and checking out some legit LA grubberies.. oh and to see my adorable niece again!

I just die..

eemo's coming to see you soon~